


please dial nine to get out

by chiakiiz



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Detective Saihara Shuichi, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Oma Kokichi Being Oma Kokichi, Oma Kokichi Is a Little Shit, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Saihara Shuichi, Phone Calls & Telephones, Slow Burn, Tags May Change, Texting, Tired Saihara Shuichi, Trans Saihara Shuichi, besides obsessing over my hyperfixations so like. 2 in 1 babeyy, enemies to lovers but like not, hopes peak still exists and shuichis still a detective but the killing game(s) never happened, i adore him but hes absolutely horrendous <3, i dont even know why i wrote this, i love projecting, i think?!??!, im just going Thru It rn and humor is my biggest coping mechanism, its the adhd innit luv, meet not cute, not relevant to the plot At All but. hes trans, scam caller kokichi, they meet because kokichi tries to scam shuichi. thats it, this is so dumb and bad but i dont care, uhh sorry for how annoying and long the tags are im so tired rn but i wanna post this, yes this is based on That tumblr post. no i will not elaborate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:42:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiakiiz/pseuds/chiakiiz
Summary: “...Can I scam you?” It sounded like whoever was on the other line was holding back a laugh. Why? This whole situation was just so strange, Shuichi couldn’t wrap his head around it.“Wh- Did you- Did you just ask if you can scam me?”“Yup! Can I?”“I- You can try to,” Shuichi shook his head, forgetting that he was talking over the phone and whoever he was speaking to couldn’t see him.“Okay then! I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer,” The voice changed once again, back to the original cheery and childish tone. It was giving Shuichi whiplash.- - -Kokichi is a scam caller and Shuichi is a very tired detective.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Harukawa Maki & Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 124
Kudos: 278





	1. baby hotline

**Author's Note:**

> i would just like to formally apologize for this beforehand. just to get it out of the way. i dont know what possessed me to write this but i did and im too far into it to stop now
> 
> also: title and chapter names are from the song baby hotline by jack stauber !!

Shuichi sighed and fished through his pocket for his keys as he stood at the door to his apartment. He had just gotten back from a very exhausting day of work at Kirigiri’s detective agency, and all he wanted to do was have a quick dinner and go to sleep. 

Just as he clicked the lock and opened the door, a loud ringing pierced the silence in his apartment. 

Shuichi flinched and reached into his pocket once more, this time to grab his phone. 

_ ‘Unknown Number’ _ shone in bold white letters across the screen as the phone rang and vibrated in his hand. He read the numbers below just to be sure, and… yup. It was a number he had never seen before. At least, not any number he could remember. 

Shuichi sighed and raised the phone to his ear.

“Hello…?” 

_ “Hello, how are you today?” _ A cheery, almost childish voice spoke on the other line. 

“Uh, I’m alright?” A lame response, sure, but Shuichi was too exhausted to think of anything else.

_ “Great! I’m calling you today because your credit card has been compromised. Just get in front of your computer and I can help you fix things up.” _

“Okay,” He raised an eyebrow. “There is one thing I’m wondering, though, if you’d be so kind as to answer.”

_ “...What?” _ The voice spoke. It was completely void of any cheeriness or childishness this time - it sounded emotionless. Eerily so. 

“You really couldn’t come up with a better lie?” Shuichi asked. There was no response, so he continued. “Like, my credit card has been compromised. I think, knowing me, I’d be the first person to know that. And you didn’t say anything about yourself and whatever company you’re pretending to work for, or at  _ least _ ask for my name. Let’s say you were real, and not some scammer trying to get my information so you can take my money. How would you even know if I’m the person you’re supposed to be calling?”

When the other line was silent once again, he added: “Just wondering, I guess.” 

_ “...Why did you answer?” _ The voice was still cold and impassive.

“Huh?”

_ “If you knew this wasn’t a real call, why did you answer?” _

“Oh, I just thought I might as well have some fun at your expense.” 

_ “What expense? Talking is no expense to me. Especially in this situation,” _ The voice was back to being bright, this time sounding… amused? Excited? Entertained? 

“Well, you’re not getting your job done. You’re not scamming me. I’d consider that an expense, since it’s the only reason why you’re calling me.”

_ “...Can I scam you?” _ It sounded like whoever was on the other line was holding back a laugh. Why? This whole situation was just so strange, Shuichi couldn’t wrap his head around it. 

“Wh- Did you- Did you just ask if you can  _ scam me? _ ”

_ “Yup! Can I?” _

“I- You can try to,” Shuichi shook his head, forgetting that he was talking over the phone and whoever he was speaking to couldn’t see him. 

_ “Okay then! I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer,” _ The voice changed once again, back to the original cheery and childish tone. It was giving Shuichi whiplash. 

“Uh, well-” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “That’s going to be a problem. I just finished up at work, all I want to do right now is eat dinner and go to bed. Not really in the mood for anything else.”

_ “Alright! I’ll call you again tomorrow, then.” _

“Wha- I- I might not answer. How do you even know if I’ll be able to pick up the phone?”

_ “You answered today,” _ He could almost  _ feel _ the shrug coming through from the other line.  _ “I can always call more than once if you don’t.” _

“...I suppose?”

_ “I’ll call you tomorrow. Have a good night!” _ The voice spoke before hanging up. Shuichi brought his phone down from his ear and stared at the now-black screen. 

_ What in the world did he just get himself into? _

Dinner, and then sleep. That’s all. No need to worry about unnecessary things.

_ No need to worry about unnecessary things.  _

…

…. 

He didn’t get much sleep that night.

  
  


**______________**

  
  


Shuichi spent most of the next day thinking about that call. That distraction on top of his lack of sleep made work much more difficult. Thankfully, it was a generally calm day, and only consisted of desk work - writing reports, answering calls, etcetera. 

However, desk work was still work, and still tiring. As much as Shuichi was used to staying awake for work (he was a homicide detective after all), his past week was already incredibly exhausting, with 3 different murder cases in the span of 4 days. 

That was probably why when he felt something brush his shoulder, he threw the pen he was holding and almost fell out of his chair. 

“Shuichi?” A calm voice spoke from behind him. 

“Ah, Kyoko! Sorry, I didn’t-” He turned around to see the lavender-haired woman bending down to pick up a folder she had dropped. 

_ Ah, that’s what had touched him. _

“You look exhausted,” She deadpanned. She was straight-faced and cold as usual, but Shuichi knew she meant well. 

“Ah, I didn’t get much sleep last night. Sorry, I’m not sure why I’m so, uh, distracted.” 

“That’s fine. As long as you’re not slacking off,” She  _ almost _ smirked. Shuichi let out a small, quiet laugh.

“Of course not.”

“Good. You leave in 2 hours. Do you think you’ll finish up that report by then?” She nodded at the small stack of papers sitting in front of the younger detective.

“Yes, I will,” He turned towards the report, detailing the results of a recent interview with a witness to murder. 

Kyoko nodded. “Goodbye,” She spoke briskly before she turned and walked away, her lavender hair fanning elegantly behind her. 

Shuichi sighed and let himself relax. Kyoko was kind, and even friendlier to him than she was to the other detectives in the agency, but she was still intimidating. She was his supervisor, after all. 

He looked down at the paper once again. 

Just 2 hours. All he had to do was focus and stay awake until then. If he ended up getting called back in to work later, he’d just deal with it then. 

If he got a call from that scammer, he’d deal with it then. 


	2. hung up and put on hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t think I’ll ever understand this,” He muttered as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in exasperation. 
> 
> “Why not?! I keep explaining it to you!” They sounded frustrated now, and it would’ve been convincing if they hadn’t been constantly changing their tone.
> 
> “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” Shuichi sighed and moved his hand, this time to cover his face.
> 
> “Nnnope!” Whoever was talking made sure to add a pop! sound with their lips when they spoke.
> 
> —-
> 
> once again, chapter title is from baby hotline by jack stauber!

Shuichi stood in front of his apartment once again, taking much longer to grab his keys than he had the other night. He was even more exhausted than usual, and his coordination reflected that.

When he finally got inside his apartment, everything was dark and quiet. Just how he liked it. The detective took his black overcoat off and hung it up near the door, leaving him in his grey turtleneck and black pants. He sighed. Finally, the week was over. Unless he was called in again, of course, but he crossed his fingers and hoped that that wouldn’t happen. 

_ Was he supposed to be thinking like that? It was his job, after all. _

Just as he walked over to the fridge to find something he could eat for dinner, his phone began to ring. Shuichi flinched at the sudden sound before pulling it out of his pocket and looking at the screen.

_ ‘Unknown Number’  _ lit up the screen once again, with the same numbers below it that had been there just last night. 

_ Oh boy. _

He took a deep breath and raised the phone to his ear. 

“Hello?”

_ “Hey!” _ The voice excitedly spoke from the other line.  _ “You answered!” _

“Uh, yeah, I did…?” Shuichi was already caught off-guard. Once again, the situation was too strange to understand.

_ “Aw, and you said you wouldn’t pick up!” _

“I- I said I  _ might _ not pick up. Why are you- I don’t understand,” Shuichi began running his free hand through his hair, trying his best to stay calm and not lose his mind over someone who seemed to only want to rile him up. 

_ “What? I said I’d call you back, and I did!” _ The voice said, matter-of-factly, tainted by the slightest bit of amusement. 

“This is so confusing,” Shuichi muttered, more to himself than the other person. He began walking away from his fridge into his room. 

_ “But I just explained it to you!” _ There was a pause, and then, _ “So... May I scam you on this fine Friday evening?” _

“Once again, you can try,” The detective sighed and flopped onto his bed. As…  _ annoying _ as this person was, he had to admit it was a  _ bit _ entertaining. Just a tiny bit. 

_ “Alrighty! You just need to get in front of a computer.” _ The voice was light and cheery, but that tinge of amusement from earlier never left. 

Shuichi turned his gaze to his laptop, sitting fully charged on his bedside table. 

“Hmmm, that’s too bad,” He hummed. “You see, I actually broke the charger for my laptop and I’m waiting for the new one I ordered to be delivered. I can’t use it until then because it’s dead.” A lie, obviously, but the other line didn’t need to know that. 

_ “Aw, okay. You could always use your phone, then! Just put me on speaker,” _ The voice spoke, seemingly unperturbed.

“Can’t do that either. My speakerphone doesn’t work, the sound comes out too distorted to understand. I’m planning on going to get it fixed, but I haven’t had the chance to yet.” Another lie. He would’ve felt bad  _ (and he did, just a little) _ if he hadn’t been talking to a scammer. 

_ “Wow! You’re really bad with electronics! Are you that careless, or just unlucky?”  _ The voice sounded light, until,  _ “Or maybe, you’re a liar?”  _ It became  _ scarily _ deep compared to how light it sounded earlier, and was  _ still _ plagued by mirth. Shuichi was  _ so _ tempted to just hang up and block the caller, but some (infuriatingly) curious part of him chose not to.

“You can think whatever you want to,” He replied, trying to keep his voice even. 

The other line was silent for a few moments, and Shuichi began to panic. 

_ Why was he so nervous? He’s a detective, this is probably just some stupid prank call meant to scare him. But what if it wasn’t? - _

A childish laugh cut off his panicked thoughts. It was loud and squeaky, but it didn’t sound mocking or malicious. For some reason, it put him at ease.

_ “Nishishi! You’re pretty funny! I don’t care if you’re lying about that, it makes no difference to me.” _

“Huh? I-”

_ “Don’t sweat the details!” _ The voice quickly cut him off.  _ “Hmmm… Well then, there’s not much I can do, is there?” _ They sounded pensive, but in a very fake, almost mocking way. 

“Uh, no, I suppose not?” Shuichi wasn’t sure how to react. How would any normal person even begin to respond to this? Well, they probably would’ve hung up and blocked the caller by now, but that biting curiosity still haunted his thoughts. 

_ “Too bad. I really wanted to talk to you more. You’re pretty entertaining, you know that?” _ The voice now sounded bored, in the way that if Shuichi could see them he swore they would be staring at their hands, trying to focus on anything but this apparently now-dull conversation. They sighed, and then spoke again. _ “It’s fun to mess with you. I’m not even getting paid for this! I’m just doing it because I want to.” _

“What? Why?!” Why would  _ anyone _ waste their time doing that?

_ “Like I said! I want to!” _ Now sounding childish and excited again, before going back to sounding uninterested.  _ “This world is so boring. People are so predictable and dumb. I expected you to hang up and block me or something, but you didn’t. And then you answered again - I figured you were just stupid or something, but you haven’t given anything away about yourself. Not anything that could really be used against you, anyways. I don’t know why you’re even still talking to me! But that’s what’s so fun. I  _ **_want_ ** _ to know why, I  _ **_want_ ** _ to mess with you more. It gets boring poking fun at people when their reactions are so predictable, but you’ve thrown me for a loop!” _

Shuichi was, for lack of a better word, stunned. It took a few moments for his already exhausted brain to figure out how to answer such an exhausting explanation.

“...That’s why your tone changed even more compared to yesterday,” He finally muttered. It was finally starting to make a little bit of sense, even if the reasoning was incomprehensible. It was odd, how the other person sounded so friendly already. Sure, their tone had changed a lot as well the other night, but they hadn’t been talking to him like he was a friend. Not as much, anyways. But if they were calling him just to mess with him, they wouldn’t have to even attempt to sound professional anymore (although they weren’t exactly professional then, either).

_ “Sure is! You figured it out, junior detective!” _ They laughed. Shuichi froze for a moment, wondering how they figured out he was a detective, but then realized it was just a figure of speech. 

“Why would you tell me that, though? I know you just want to mess with me now, so there’s no point in me talking with you anymore. What if I just decided to hang up?” He tried to cover up the beat of silence quickly. As unlikely as it was, there was a possibility that the other person could use that silence to deduce that he was a detective. He wasn’t sure how smart this person was. Again, it was unlikely, but it was a possibility he couldn’t risk. 

_ “Well, if you did that, it would be boring. And I wouldn’t want to talk to you anyways,” _ The other line said bluntly. It was like they were just shrugging it off, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  _ “But if you were gonna do that, you probably would’ve done it sooner, riiiiight? Exactly!” _ They answered their own rhetorical question without even waiting for a response.

Shuichi closed his eyes and tried to sort his thoughts. It was quiet for a while. It was a nice change, compared to the nonstop, somewhat one-sided conversation from earlier.

_ “Can I text you?” _ The neutral, surprisingly quiet voice asked.

“Uh… okay? Sure?” Shuichi had been caught off-guard when the call first started, but this was a whole other level of baffling. 

“Yay!” A childish giggle sounded from the other line. Shuichi didn’t know how to respond, so he didn’t bother trying. He was too tired at this point. Another few beats of surprisingly comfortable silence, before the voice broke it once again. 

_ “...Could I get your name?”  _ Back to being quiet and questioning.

“...No.” Shuichi responded, sounding more adamant about it than he felt.

_ “Aw, why not?”  _

_...Was that genuine disappointment…?  _ Shuichi wondered. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it before responding.

“I don’t know you. And you  _ just _ tried to scam me yesterday. You already have my phone number, who knows what information you could dig up about me?” Not to mention that he had gone to Hope’s Peak Academy and it would be easy to look up his name and find him. He could just give out his first name, sure, but as far as he knew there weren’t too many other Shuichis in the area. 

_ “Okaaayyy. Failed attempt. It was a good try though, right? Right?!” _ The first few words were spoken with uninterest, but the second half sounded like an excited child. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand this,” He muttered as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in exasperation. 

_ “Why not?! I keep explaining it to you!”  _ They sounded frustrated now, and it would’ve been convincing if they hadn’t been constantly changing their tone.

“Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” Shuichi sighed and moved his hand, this time to cover his face.

_ “Nnnope!” _ Whoever was talking made sure to add a  _ pop!  _ sound with their lips when they spoke. 

Shuichi was silent for a bit before responding. “... Why don’t you give me  _ your _ name?”

_ “Oooh, okay then! It’s Kokichi,” _ The voice, apparently called Kokichi, chuckled. _ “Are you gonna tell me your name now? It’s only fair!” _

“Alright,” The detective sighed once again, “I’m Shuichi.”

_ “Shuichi. Shu-ee-chee. Shuichi!” _ Yet another childish laugh sounded from the other line.  _ “Nishishi! That’s a funny name!” _

“How is it funny…?” 

_ “Oh, nothing…” _ Kokichi sighed with feigned uninterest.  _ “It’s just, I could’ve sworn I heard it before…” _

Shuichi’s breath hitched. His heart began pounding noisily in his chest, sounding so much louder in his head than it was in reality. 

_ It was fine, he was fine, there’s no way Kokichi knew, he was just messing with him - but what if he wasn’t? What if he knew? So what, it’s not like it mattered right? Right?  _

_ But what if Kokichi wasn’t really just a scammer, what if- _

_ “Are you perhaps… Shuichi Saihara, former Ultimate Detective at Hope’s Peak Academy? _ ” Kokichi asked, his voice neutral and completely even, but slightly deeper than it had been before. 

…

…. 

Shuichi hung up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAA I JUST WANNA SAY THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SWEET COMMENTS ON THE LAST CHAPTER!! i honestly didnt expect anyone to like or even read this, but im so glad some of you do! hope you enjoyed this chapter! ill try my best to update every friday :) ❤️❤️❤️


	3. no boundary boredom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had a light dinner, took a quick shower, and went to bed. He slept surprisingly well, although maybe it wasn’t so odd considering his almost complete lack of sleep for the past week. He woke up to quite a few notifications - mostly from the contact he had previously named Kokichi. 
> 
> …He kept his phone off for the morning.

That night, Shuichi put his phone on silent - with emergency bypass for work calls, obviously. He didn’t use his phone often, nor did he know very many people who he would use it to talk to. The only reason he silenced it was so he wouldn’t be disturbed by Kokichi.

Why didn’t he just block Kokichi and move on? It was a precautionary measure. Just to be safe, in case he happened to message him about, well - anything he might’ve been planning. 

_ \--That’s how he justified it to himself, anyways.  _

He had a light dinner, took a quick shower, and went to bed. He slept surprisingly well, although maybe it wasn’t so odd considering his almost complete lack of sleep for the past week. He woke up and checked his phone to see quite a few notifications - mostly from the contact he had previously named Kokichi. 

…He kept his phone off for the morning.

  
  


**______________**

  
  


Ignoring his phone turned out to be  _ much _ harder than Shuichi originally thought. It was Saturday, so he didn’t have any work (he was still on call though, of course), and he was having a  _ very _ hard time distracting himself. He tried  _ everything _ . He even went out of his way to message Kaede, Kaito and Maki (all while being  _ very _ careful not to even  _ glance _ at any messages from Kokichi) to see if any of them wanted to spend time together - but they were all busy. Of course. 

He spent most of the morning pacing around his apartment, tidying up, and reading. But the entire time, he couldn’t get his mind off of what had happened the night before. 

_ How did he figure that out so soon? Sure, Shuichi had gone to Hope’s Peak, but he didn’t think he was ever popular enough to be recognized by just his first name - and he tried to keep it that way. So how did Kokichi know who he was without any other information? Could it be that he already knew who Shuichi was before he even called him? Could someone he knew be using a voice changer to prank him? Or worse - did someone with malicious intent do this to try to get information out of him? _

...

Finally, his curiosity got the best of him. He turned his phone on and scrolled through the messages that had been sent to him.

  
  


**Kokichi** : was i right? 

**Kokichi** : was i??????????

**Kokichi** : heeeyyyyyy shuiiiiiichiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kokichi** : aw cmonnnnnn dont ignore meeeeee

**Kokichi** : i won right? i did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : you cant just ignore me after i won!! are you that much of a sore loser???????

**Kokichi** : thats so booooooriiiingggggggggggg

**Kokichi** : cmooooooonnnnnn i wanna talk to yooooouuuuu

**Kokichi** : shuuuuuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kokichi** : hmmmmm

**Kokichi** : okayyyy fine. ill stop

**Kokichi** : for now ;)

  
  


...Those were just the messages from the night before.

  
  


**Kokichi** : good moooooorniiiing!!!! !!!

**Kokichi** : are you still asleep??????

**Kokichi** : woooow

**Kokichi** : either youre really tired or youre a reeeeaallllyyyy sore loser

**Kokichi** : and both of those are EQUALLY bad and absolutely unforgivable

**Kokichi** : h-how could you do this to me shuichi? i… i thought what we had was special!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : WAAAaaaAHHAAahahhhhaAAAAHHhhhHHHHH TT o TT

**Kokichi** : thats me crying btw 

**Kokichi** : youre making me CRY shuichi. youre breaking my heart.

**Kokichi** : youre just… s-so cruel!!!!!!!!!! why would you do this to me… what did i do wrong?!?!??!??!?!??!?!?!?!????!?!?!

**Kokichi** : TT ^ TT

**Kokichi** : … 

**Kokichi** : okaaaayyyyyyy fiiineeeee

**Kokichi** : this is getting booooooooring

**Kokichi** : well you havent blocked me yet so im assuming youre still asleep

**Kokichi** : or again, IGNORING me

**Kokichi** : which is VERY rude btw >:(

  
  


...That was… something. Turns out, Kokichi was just as exhausting to text with as he was to call. 

Shuichi took several deep breaths and ran his hand through his hair to calm himself down before responding. Despite his attempts, he had a difficult time thinking of what to say. 

_ How would someone respond to that? _

  
  


**Shuichi** : Hi?

  
  


_ Lame and awkward. What a wonderful start to the conversation. _

  
  


**Kokichi** : HEYHEYHEYYYYY!!!!!!!! you finally answered!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : did you miss me???????? i missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  


_ Confusing as usual, of course. _

  
  


**Shuichi** : I don’t really know you?

**Kokichi** : awwww what a laaaame response. i can already tell youre a dry texter. 

**Kokichi** : youre way more fun to call!!!!!!

**Shuichi** : I always text like this.

  
  


_ Wait, that’s not what he should be saying- _

  
  


**Shuichi** : That’s not what I want to talk to you about. Why did you call me?

**Kokichi** : huuuuuhhhh??? did you hit your head or something?????? youre texting me rn, not calling!!!!!

**Shuichi** : I know that. I’m talking about the first time we talked, when you called me.

**Kokichi** : OOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! you shouldve said so sooner!!!!!

**Kokichi** : didnt i already tell you though? i did it cuz i was bored :P

**Shuichi** : But how did you get my number?

**Kokichi** : you do realize ppl can just look up random numbers and call them, right??? are you like a grandpa with technology??? you text like one

**Shuichi** : What’s wrong with the way I text? You’re the one who types strangely. And I know that, I just think it’s almost too coincidental for you to have gotten my number.

**Kokichi** : woaahhhh, do you think of yourself that highly??? you think youre too special for someone to call you without you giving them your number on a gold sheet of paper??? youre above all of these NORMAL, BORING, IRRELEVANT people???

**Shuichi** : That’s not what I mean at all! I’m just trying to say that it’s odd that you just randomly found my phone number because I’m a detective. I thought it might’ve been on purpose, to get information from me and then use it against me.

**Kokichi** : but thats exactly what im saying!!!! youre putting your life above others just because youre famous or whatever

**Kokichi** : you think youre sooooo special that its EXTRA suspicious and dangerous when someone calls you specifically

**Shuichi** : That’s not what i meant… 

**Kokichi** : awww im just messing with you!!!!! hehehehehe

**Kokichi** : you fell right into my trap >:3c

**Shuichi** : What?

**Kokichi** : nothiiiinggg!!!!

**Kokichi** : lol anywaaaayyyyyssss

**Kokichi** : what are you up to???? huh????? huh huh huuuuuh???????

**Shuichi** : Nothing?

**Kokichi** : whyd you answer it like a question??? are you not sure??? are you confused???

**Shuichi** : You changed the subject.

**Kokichi** : ehhh??? well duh!!!!! there wasnt anything more to talk about!!!! the conversation wouldve gotten dull

**Shuichi** : No, you tried to change the subject so I wouldn’t pry. You don’t want me to keep asking you about how you got my number.

**Kokichi** : aw man, you got me!!!

**Kokichi** : okay, okay

**Kokichi** : im gonna be completely 100% serious when i say this, okay? just this once

**Kokichi** : i really just used a number generator. i actually called quite a few of them before i got to you tho!!!! some of them hung up, and some of them didnt answer at all. youre the first person who continued talking to me!!!!!

  
  


_ Ah. So he was the one fool who chose to put himself through all of...  _ **_this_ ** _. Well, if Kokichi was telling the truth. ...It was probably best to just believe him for now.  _

**Shuichi** : Okay.

**Kokichi** : aauuuggggghhhhhhhhh your texts are so booooooriiiiingggggggggggg

**Shuichi** : I’m sorry?

  
  


_ How was using proper grammar boring? _

  
  


**Kokichi** : apology NOT accepted. at all. some things just cant be forgiven, shuichi.

**Kokichi** : buuuuUUUUUUuuuut i might consider forgiving you if you calllll meeeeeee

  
  


_ Oh boy. Not again. No way. _

  
  


**Shuichi** : Okay, I will.

  
  


_...Maybe it’d be easier to talk over the phone.  _

  
  


**Kokichi** : OOOOOO YAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  


Moments later, his phone started to ring. Shuichi took a few more breaths before he raised it to his ear.

“Hello?”

_ “Heeeeyyy again, Mr. Detective!” _ Kokichi exclaimed. Shuichi pulled his phone away from his head to protect his ears from the loud noise. 

“Uh, hi.”

_ “Nishishi! You have a pretty small vocabulary for someone who’s supposed to be the ‘Ultimate Detective’. Are you sure that’s reeeeeaally you?” _ His childish, mocking tone sounded from the other line.

“I would honestly prefer it if you really thought that, but I can tell you’re joking,” Shuichi sighed.

_ “Awww, you know me so well already, Shumai! I might just cry,” _ Kokichi cooed endearingly. He even added a fake sniff at the end, as if he was crying from joy.

_ As if. _ Shuichi rolled his eyes before he shook his head and responded.

“Shumai? Really?” 

_ “Y-You don’t like the nickname…? B-But I thought… I thought you would…” _ Another sniff, this time louder and out of fake  _ sadness _ rather than fake  _ happiness _ .  _ “WWAAAAAAAAHHHHAAHAHAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”  _ The ear-splitting cry rang throughout his apartment, sounding like it had been put on speaker.

“Ah- Ow-! Okay, okay, it’s a fine nickname I don’t care just  _ please _ stop-” The detective squeaked as he covered an ear with his free hand. The crying stopped, but Kokichi still sniffed before he spoke again. 

_ “...O-okay… Only if you promise you’re not lying… I-I hate lies and jokes…” _ His voice shook as he spoke. If Shuichi didn’t know better, he really would’ve been fooled - Kokichi was an  _ alarmingly _ good actor.

“I’m not lying,” Shuichi sighed exasperatedly. 

_ “G-Good...” _ Yet another fake sniff, and then  _ “Aaaanywaaayyyys, what are you up to?” _ Back to being bubbly and childish.

“I- Wha- You-” He gave up on what he was about to ask with a sigh. “...Nothing. I don’t have work today and I don’t have anything else to do.”

_ “Aww, so you don’t have any friends? No one to hang out with?” ...Was he... mocking him…? _

“No, my friends are just all busy today.”

_ “Too baaaad….” _ Kokichi yawned dramatically. _ “I have toooons of friends. Like, over ten thousand. Probably a million - No, ten million.” _

“I’m sure you do,” Shuichi mumbled sarcastically. 

_ “Ehhhh?! Was that sarcastic?! RUDE!” _ Kokichi snapped, but it was obvious that he was holding back a laugh. 

“ _ You’re _ calling  _ me _ rude?”

_ “Yeah, I am! What are you gonna do about it? Arrest me? Am I gonna go to jail for insulting the  _ **_famous_ ** _ Mr. Ultimate Detective Shuichi Saihara?”  _ That time, the liar wasn’t able to hold back his laughter. It wasn’t the fake laugh from before, it sounded… genuine.

Shuichi shook his head, but let himself laugh along too. 

It was… nice.  _ Oddly _ nice. It wasn’t even that funny - The situation was just so strange, the fact that they were still talking was almost unbelievable. 

_ If Kyoko knew he was talking to -  _ **_laughing_ ** _ with someone who tried to scam him just a couple days before… _

_ She would  _ **_definitely_ ** _ think he was an idiot. _

_... _

_...Maybe he was _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOOD EVENING LGBTS  
> i said this when i posted the last chapter but aGAIN THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE NICE COMMENTS THEY MAKE ME VERY HAPPY  
> seriously youre all so sweet ily /p  
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️


	4. burning with haste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that was - confusing, to say the least. Why did Kokichi like messing with him so much? It didn’t make sense - not that anything about Kokichi made sense. He said he explained it, but that could’ve easily been a lie or a cover-up. ...It was probably best to not dwell on it. It’s not like Kokichi would tell him anything if he asked, and he would have to get to know him more in order to figure it out. 
> 
> ...He wanted to get to know him more. Just to answer the questions he had about him, of course. That was all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII OMG im so sorry for not updating last week i was RLLY busy and didnt have time 2 write,,, thank u all 4 being so patient! i hope u like this chapter :D

It was around 4 pm when they finished talking - it had been around two hours since the call began. Kokichi made up some excuse about how he had to work with his subordinates on their plan to “conquer the world”.  _ Sure _ .

That night, Shuichi got another strange text from him. 

  
  


**Kokichi** : goooooooood niiiight, sleepyhead!!!!

**Shuichi** : Uh, goodnight?

  
  


_ Why did he send that? _ Shuichi thought that people only really sent good morning/night texts when they were really close. Then again, Shuichi wasn’t very familiar with social interactions anyways, so it might’ve been normal. But it was Kokichi, so really-

_ Wait, why was he thinking about Kokichi like he  _ **_knew_ ** _ him? _

  
  


**Kokichi** : aww, you answered!!! you must really like me, huh?? huh huh huh???????

**Shuichi** : Was I not supposed to answer?

**Kokichi** : HA!!! no, i just didnt expect you to. you really surprise me sometimes!!! i dont think ive ever met anyone as interesting as you before!!!!

  
  


_ What did that even mean? How was he supposed to react to that? All he did was answer a text, why was it so fascinating to Kokichi? Or was he just messing with him? _

  
  


**Shuichi** : Uh, thank you?

**Kokichi** : hehe!!! np ;P

**Kokichi** : well anyways, gooooooooodniiiiiiiight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shuichi** : Goodnight.

  
  


_ Well that was -  _ **_confusing_ ** _ , to say the least. Why did Kokichi like messing with him so much? It didn’t make sense - not that anything about Kokichi made sense. He said he explained it, but that could’ve easily been a lie or a cover-up. ...It was probably best to not dwell on it. It’s not like Kokichi would tell him anything if he asked, and he would have to get to know him more in order to figure it out.  _

_...He  _ **_wanted_ ** _ to get to know him more. Just to answer the questions he had about him, of course. That was all. _

Shuichi shut his phone off and changed into warm, fuzzy pajamas before he got into his bed. He had tomorrow off as well, but he assumed it would be another day of pacing around his apartment and worrying about anything and everything -  _ especially _ Kokichi.

He eventually drifted off to sleep, although not before a little while of overthinking everything that had happened over the past few days. 

  
  


**______________**

  
  


The next morning, Shuichi woke up to another ‘good morning’ text from Kokichi - followed by one of the many confusing conversations that had become strangely normal for him. 

_...And he was  _ **_not_ ** _ strangely happy about it. He just… wanted to find out more about Kokichi. He was a detective after all, it was natural for him to want to solve mysteries. Yeah, that was it. _

He had a nice, quiet breakfast - all while overanalyzing everything Kokichi had ever said to him - and messaged Kaede, Maki and Kaito to see if they were busy again or not. They weren’t, thankfully, and all planned to meet up for dinner at 5 pm that night. Shuichi was excited. Sure, it wouldn’t be until much later, but at least he had something to look forward to-

His phone buzzed.

  
  


**Kokichi** : heeeeyyyyy, wanna call???? >:3c

**Shuichi** : Okay.

  
  


_ Why was he just… letting it happen? Shuichi knew he was a pushover, but he was still able to set boundaries for himself. Why was it so easy to convince himself to go along with what Kokichi wanted? Or, rather, why did he not even have to convince himself? _

_ “Heeeeeeyyy!!” _ Kokichi’s cheery tone sounded from the phone once Shuichi picked up the call. 

“Ah, hello.”

_ “How have yooooouuu been?” _ His singsong voice asked excitedly.

“Uhm, alright…?” Shuichi muttered. 

_ “Whaa? Do you not know?” _ Kokichi teased, chuckling softly.

“N-No, I just- We just talked a little while ago, I haven’t done much since then,” He admitted quietly. It was slightly embarrassing -  _ but why? It wasn’t like he cared about what Kokichi thought of him, he barely even knew him.  _

_ “Awww, booooring…” _ Kokichi groaned.  _ “Well, I suppose I could tell you about  _ **_my_ ** _ day then. I’m always on the run, so I have pleeenty of stories to tell you,” _ He assured, before beginning a  _ very _ long and exaggerated story about how he apparently conquered Europe. It was so obviously filled with lies -  _ the whole story was a lie _ \- but it at least meant that Shuichi didn’t have to struggle to figure out what to say.

While Kokichi was rambling, Shuichi could tell that he was eating something... crunchy?

It was...  _ gross _ . Shuichi couldn’t stand the sound of chewing, especially when someone was talking simultaneously. He waited until Kokichi paused - most likely to shovel more of whatever he was eating into his mouth - before he spoke. 

“H-Hey, could you-“ 

_ “Mm? What was that?” _ Kokichi interrupted, suddenly crunching even louder. He knew, didn’t he? He could tell that Shuichi hated it, and that was why he continued. Why did he find annoying others so entertaining?  _ “I can’t hear you! I’m eating chips, if you couldn’t tell.” _

“Uh,” Shuichi tried to keep the annoyance out of his tone. Not only did he immediately feel guilty whenever he got angry, but he also knew it would probably only egg Kokichi on even more. “Yeah, I could te-“ 

_ “Anywaaaays,” _ He cut in once again,  _ “I told them if they didn’t listen to me, then countless people would suffer the consequences of their foolish disobedience. And, of course, they listened! So that’s how I took control of aaaalllllllll of Europe!” _ He finished dramatically. Shuichi could hear a crinkling noise, sounding like he threw the chip bag into the air. 

“...Wow,” Shuichi sighed. There was just no point in arguing with him, he supposed. It’s not like he would admit anything. Nothing  _ true _ , anyways. “That sounds... intense.” 

_ “Oh yeah! It sure was. But that’s just what comes with being a supreme leader like me. I’m the only person who could possibly take on such a demanding role,” _ He yawned. 

“I’m sure you are.” He rolled his eyes in exasperation. All he wanted was for Kokichi to stop chewing so loudly - and he did,  _ thankfully _ , but then immediately decided to try to push his buttons with something else. 

_ “W-Was that sarcasm? R-Really?! Th-That’s so m-mean, Shuichi! H-How could you?!” _ Kokichi cried, his already high voice becoming even higher (and squeakier).

“I- Wait, stop- Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,  _ please-”  _ Shuichi stuttered quickly, not wanting to be the victim of another scream-cry. 

_“Ooookay then!”_ Kokichi cheered, his voice back to normal, and Shuichi heard him clap his hands together from the other line. _He really was just jumping back and forth between different annoying behaviors, wasn’t he?_ _“Nishishi! I was gonna cry more but I'm boooooored… why don’t you say something? I’ve told you about myself, It’s only fair!!”_

Shuichi took a moment to calm himself down and take a deep breath before he responded. “...I don’t have anything to talk about.” 

_ “Whaaaa? But you’re the Ultimate Detective! Don’t you like, go on craaazy criminal chases or whatever? _ ” Kokichi whined disappointedly. 

“Uhm… no,” He responded. “I take on difficult cases, but nothing  _ too _ crazy.”

_ “Awwwwww… Well, what kind of ‘difficult cases’ do you solve huh? Huh huh?” _ The liar recovered from his apparent disappointment  _ very _ quickly, and his voice went back to it’s usual joyfulness. 

“I’m... not going to tell you that,” Shuichi responded, his voice adamant and serious.

_ “Laaaaame!! C’monn, you can’t even tell me one story?”  _ Kokichi’s tone was the complete opposite, lighthearted and cheery.

“No.”

_ “Okaaay, fiiiine. Hmmmm….” _ He hummed, seemingly lost in thought.  _ “Well, are you doing anything interesting right now that you could talk about?” _

“Why do you want me to talk so much?” 

_ “Cuz I just talked about myself, duh!” _ Kokichi snapped, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.  _ “And you have to have  _ **_something_ ** _ interesting to talk about! I wanna knoooow!” _

“I really don’t,” Shuichi sighed. “I’ll be having dinner with a few of my friends later today, but that’s it. I can’t tell you anything about my work, and I really don’t do much outside of that.” It almost made him sad, admitting how boring his life outside of detective work was. He liked it that way, of course, but it was embarrassing to tell that to someone who assumed that he was really interesting.

_ Again, why did he care so much about what Kokichi thought? It would be better for him if Kokichi was uninterested in him, right? _

_ “Oooooohh!! Fun!” _ Kokichi squealed.  _ “Wait a minute, is  _ **_‘friends’_ ** _ just a code word for your subordinates? Are you going to some sort of meeting to work on a plan to take down Joker, the legendary phantom thief?” _

“Wh- No?” Shuichi was back to being  _ incredibly _ confused. “What are you talking about?”

_ “Playing dumb, huh? I caught you, detective!” _ He sounded like a child playing pretend. _ “You can’t hide it anymore!!” _

Shuichi put his free hand over his eyes and sighed. “Yup, you’re right. You got me.”

Kokichi was silent for a moment, before,  _ “Nishishi! You let your guard down too easily! You should’ve known that I would figure you out sooner or later.” _

Shuichi let out a quiet laugh. “I really should’ve known. I just can’t beat you.” _ ...That wasn’t even a lie, really. _

_ “Aw, you flatter me, detective!” _ Kokichi giggled.  _ “Ah-! Ahem, well, I have to go to a very important meeting with my subordinates, so I must bid you farewell for now!” _

“Huh? Wait, you-” 

_ “Adieu!” _ He proclaimed dramatically, before he hung up without waiting for a response. 

_ Huh _ . That was…  _ odd _ . 

_ Why did he leave so abruptly? Assuming that the ‘meeting’ was a lie, what did Kokichi have to do that was seemingly so important? ...It was a lie, right? _

Shuichi shook his head to clear it. There was no point in worrying about it, he wouldn’t be able to reach any sort of definite conclusion anyways. 

He checked the time on his phone. _ 2 pm. _ 3 hours until he had to meet Kaede, Maki and Kaito. At least then he would be distracted.

_...Hopefully. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGAIN thank u for all the support, it seriously means the world to me ur all so sweet!! ❤️❤️ this chapter was fun 2 write but also DIFFICULT idk why but i had a hard time with it,,, still i hope u like it!!!


	5. chow down to earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi rushed to grab his dark grey cardigan as he hurried out of his apartment. It was 4:41 pm. He was going to be late - the restaurant was a little over 20 minutes away from his apartment. He raced to his car and drove out of the parking lot, panicking internally all the while. He was almost never late to anything, partly due to his anxiety and perfectionist nature. 
> 
> ...He was not late because he was thinking about his conversation from earlier with Kokichi. He was just… distracted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI sorry for the late upload! im gonna b honest im not sure if ill be able to update every friday considering how messy and sporadic my schedule is atm,,, but ill try!! just know if i dont update for a bit it doesnt mean im abandoning this story! i really enjoy writing, i just havent had enough time lately to post when i want to,, n e wayz i hope u like this chapter!!

Shuichi rushed to grab his dark grey cardigan as he hurried out of his apartment. It was 4:41 pm. He was going to be late - the restaurant was a little over 20 minutes away from his apartment. He raced to his car and drove out of the parking lot, panicking internally all the while. He was almost never late to  _ anything _ , partly due to his anxiety and perfectionist nature. 

_...He was  _ **_not_ ** _ late because he was thinking about his conversation from earlier with Kokichi. He was just… distracted. _

One 30 minute drive later, Shuichi arrived at the restaurant. 

“Heeyyy, Shuichi!” As soon as he walked through the glass front door, he heard Kaede’s exuberant greeting from a table near the front. He looked up and saw her and Kaito waving their arms excitedly, with Maki looking mildly disinterested but still smiling at him. 

“Ah, hi!” He waved and quickly walked over to the table they were sitting at. 

“Hey bro!” Kaito smiled as Shuichi sat down in the booth next to Kaede. “You’re later than me for once! Are you slacking?” He chuckled. 

“You only got here on time because I dragged you here myself,” Maki deadpanned from her seat across from Shuichi. Kaede snorted as Kaito rubbed at the back of his head and laughed sheepishly. 

“S-Sorry,” Shuichi stuttered. “I- uh, lost track of time,” He looked down at the floor as he spoke, face heating up.

“...Lost track of time?” Maki turned her head. “You’re not normally so spacey.”

“Ah! Uhm, yeah, I just had an extra busy week so I’m a little more tired than usual,” Shuichi chuckled. 

“No worries! Here, look at the menu,” Kaede smiled. “Maki and I already decided what we want, Kaito’s still picking his out.”

“Like a  _ child… _ ” Maki muttered. Kaito either didn’t hear her or  _ pretended _ not to. 

“Thank you,” Shuichi smiled back as he took the menu from Kaede. 

“Sooo, how have you been?” She asked.

“Alright,” Shuichi sighed. “Like I said, I had a really busy week - There were 3 homicide cases spread out from Sunday to Wednesday, so that was stressful. Thankfully Kyoko and I were able to solve them pretty quickly.”

“That’s my sidekick!” Kaito cheered. Maki elbowed him in the ribs, putting a hand over her ear. “ _ Ow-! _ ”

“Wow!” Kaede clapped her hands together. “That’s amazing! ...Well, I suppose it’s not too surprising considering you’re both former Ultimate Detectives, but still!”

“Th-Thank you! I-It’s really no big deal though, Kyoko did most of the work,” He looked down at his menu in embarrassment. 

“What?! No way Shuichi, I’m sure you helped a ton!” Kaito apparently hadn’t learned his lesson about shouting, earning him another elbow jab and a harsh glare from Maki.

“-And even if Kyoko  _ did _ do most of the work, you still helped!” Kaede grinned nervously, sensing Shuichi’s discomfort. He was now sinking down in his seat, hiding his face behind the menu. “H-Hey, Kaito, what have you been up to?”

Kaito almost immediately perked up and went on a rant about how great he was doing in his job, working in mission control, helping other astronauts in training, and preparing himself for when it would be his turn to go into space. 

As Shuichi stared at the menu in his hands - not processing the words on it  _ or _ Kaito’s stories - his thoughts began to drift back to Kokichi. 

_ Why did he leave so suddenly? Was it something to do with Shuichi? Was it something that he could plausibly find out?  _

He put the menu down, halfheartedly deciding on the first meal he laid his eyes on and repeating it over and over again in his head. After folding it neatly and putting it into a thin basket on the edge of the table, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and held it underneath the table. The screen lit up, showing  _ many _ messages from Kokichi. 

“-Heeeeyy, whatcha looking at??” Kaede leaned on Shuichi’s shoulder, making him jump. “Oooohh, who’s texting you? Have you been talking to someone I don’t know about? Maybe someone you  _ liiiike? _ ” She giggled.

“Huh-?!” Shuichi yelped. “N-No, nothing like that at all!”

“Haha, I’m just kidding! But c’mon, you almost  _ never _ use your phone! It’s gotta at least be someone important to you!” 

“It’s  _ really _ not, seriously it’s not  _ anything _ like what you think-”

“What was that!?” Kaito cut in. “Who is it? Come on man, you gotta tell me!” He looked like a high schooler trying to pry gossip out of his friend - which was pretty close to what he was doing anyways.

“B-But it’s not at  _ all _ what you guys th-”

“-You should leave him alone,” Maki rolled her eyes. “He can talk about it when he wants to. For all we know it could be Kyoko messaging him about work - There’s just no point in speculating about it.”

“...Yeah, you’re right,” Kaede blushed. “Sorry, I guess I got a bit too excited about it!” She leaned back, giving Shuichi a pat on the shoulder. 

“Alright… Well, just tell us when you’re ready bro!” Kaito laughed. 

“...That’s what I  _ just _ said…” Maki muttered, glaring at him. 

Shuichi smiled in relief. “Th-Thank you...”

“...Don’t mention it,” She huffed. 

  
  


**______________**

  
  


Over an hour later, Shuichi arrived back at his apartment. He hung his cardigan up near his door and walked to his room, flopping on his bed with a sigh. He loved his friends, and he loved hanging out with them, but sometimes it was  _ exhausting _ \- which really shouldn’t have been surprising, considering almost  _ every _ human interaction was tiring for Shuichi. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time - 7:20 pm - before reading through the messages from Kokichi.

  
  


**Kokichi** : heeeeyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : im done meeting with my subordinates !!!!

**Kokichi** : i could tell you what it was about…… but then id have to kill you!!!!!

**Kokichi** : ooooorrr you could join me…..

**Kokichi** : >:3c

**Kokichi** : heyheyheyhey!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : heeeyyyy shuuuuiiiiichiiiiii

**Kokichi** : OHOHOH arent you having dinner with your “friends” or something??????

**Kokichi** : i mean subordinates

**Kokichi** : thats laaaaaammeeeeeeee

**Kokichi** : you should leeeeaaaveee so we can taaalkkkk

**Kokichi** : just kidding!!!!! i have soooo many friends, i dont need to talk to you

**Kokichi** : i just do it because i figure youd be lonely without me

**Kokichi** : honestly my friendship is a gift, i have soooooo many people just begging to get to know me

**Kokichi** : but of course i have to turn them down

**Kokichi** : it hurts yknow? 

**Kokichi** : im such a gift to the world itself that people would do anything just to speak to me, but i know that it wouldnt be right

**Kokichi** : really you should feel blessed

**Kokichi** : im just so humble and perfect in every way

**Kokichi** : uuuuugghhhhhhuhhhhuhuhuhuhhhhh

**Kokichi** : this is so booooooooriiiiinggggg im so boooooooreeeddddddd

**Kokichi** : youre so mean shuichi >:( ABANDONING me to hang out with your so called “FRIENDS”

**Kokichi** : hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Kokichi** : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**Kokichi** : oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Kokichi** : wait i should spell my name like that that would be funny i think

**Kokichi** : kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

**Kokichi** : oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Kokichi** : kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

**Kokichi** : iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kokichi** : ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

**Kokichi** : hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Kokichi** : iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kokichi** : not as funny as i thought it would be. 

**Kokichi** : sssssssssssshhhhhhhuuuuuuuiiiiiiiiicccccchhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kokichi** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

**Kokichi** : ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  
  


...He was still typing. 

_ How did he have so much energy? _ Shuichi couldn’t even  _ begin _ to imagine what it was like. 

  
  


**Shuichi** : Hello?

**Kokichi** : HEEEYYYYYYYYY finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : are you done hanging out with your surely LAME friends???????

**Shuichi** : Yes.

**Kokichi** : SO you admit theyre lame????? right????

**Kokichi** : and im sooooooo much cooler and sooooooooo much more interesting arent i??????? huh huh huh??????????

**Shuichi** : I never said they were lame! 

**Kokichi** : are…… are you saying IM the lame one?????? ive just been projecting my own insecurities onto people i dont even know because it gives me validation??????

**Kokichi** : thats just…… so cruel!!!!! so mean!!!!!!!!!!!!! so heartless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : WWAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**Kokichi** : TT o TT

**Shuichi** : I wasn’t saying you’re lame either! I just didn’t know what to say.

**Kokichi** : h….. huh……..?????

**Kokichi** : y….. you r..really mean it??????????

**Shuichi** : Yes?

**Kokichi** : o...okay…..

**Kokichi** : ohohoh right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Kokichi** : do you wanna call?????? ooooooo you wanna call me you wanna call me sooooo bad

  
  


_ Shuichi was…  _ **_way_ ** _ too exhausted for that. No way. _

  
  


**Shuichi** : Okay.

**Kokichi** : ooooo yaayy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
  


_...Why did he do this to himself? Why did he continuously let himself get dragged around by Kokichi?  _

As he picked up the call, those questions fled from his mind - only to be replaced by countless others about Kokichi himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM ONCE AGAIN THANKING U ALL FOR ALL OF UR COMMENTS,,, seriously they make me so happy i cant thank u enough ;u; if u ever have any critiques on my pacing dialogue etc id love to hear it!! ive always rlly struggled w pacing and im trying to improve on it while i write this,,, and sorry for how short this chapter is!! like i said ive been rlly busy,, N E WAYZ i hope u enjoyed!! ❤️❤️❤️


	6. i wont even think about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t want to get up and make himself dinner - although his stomach growled and hurt from how hungry he was. He didn’t want to shower, or even wash his face, either, despite the noticeable eyeliner smudges around his eyes. He especially didn’t want to answer his phone when it began to ring. So he didn’t.
> 
> But it kept ringing. Again. And again. And again. 
> 
> After the tenth call in a row, Shuichi gave in. He picked up his phone and saw the all-too-familiar contact of a certain someone who had been calling him around the same time every day for the past two weeks. 
> 
> When his phone rang for the eleventh time, Shuichi answered the call with a sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO LGBT+ COMMUNITY im back with more saiouma bcuz i have brainrot

Shuichi was not prepared for what happened around two weeks later.

He arrived back at his apartment after an extremely stressful and tiring workday and walked straight to his room. He didn’t even bother taking his coat off, just walked in and flopped onto his bed. 

He didn’t want to get up and make himself dinner - although his stomach growled and hurt from how hungry he was. He didn’t want to shower, or even wash his face, either, despite the noticeable eyeliner smudges around his eyes. He  _ especially _ didn’t want to answer his phone when it began to ring. So he didn’t.

But it kept ringing. Again. And again. And  _ again _ . 

After the tenth call in a row, Shuichi gave in. He picked up his phone and saw the all-too-familiar contact of a certain someone who had been calling him around the same time every day for the past two weeks. 

When his phone rang for the eleventh time, Shuichi answered the call with a sigh.

_ “Heey!! You finally picked up!” _ The familiar happy tone cheered from the other line.  _ “I was beginning to thing you’d never answer!” _

“I was beginning to think you’d never stop calling me,” Shuichi snapped, sounding more annoyed than he’d meant to. They were both silent for a moment, and then “S-Sorry- I didn’t mean to snap like that.”

_ “...Hmmm? Is someone cranky? Do you need a nap?” _ Kokichi teased.

“Honestly? I could probably use one,” He chuckled.

There was another dead silence from the other line for a moment.  _ “Did something happen?” _ He sounded monotone and serious. 

“Just a bit of a rough day.”

_ “...Wanna talk about it?” _

“I-” Shuichi’s first instinct was to say  _ no _ , because why would  _ any _ sane person vent about their day to a  _ stranger who tried to scam them just a couple of weeks before _ \- but then he thought about it more. Sure, Kokichi was confusing, and  _ annoying _ even, but he didn’t really seem like a bad person. And it wasn’t like Shuichi really had anyone else to talk to about it - His friends would listen, of course, but he never felt comfortable talking to them about work. It made him feel like a fraud. ... Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to talk about what happened. 

_ As long as he kept it vague, it would be fine - right? _

“...Okay.” 

_ “Then go right ahead, Mr. Detective!” _ He could almost  _ see _ the grin Kokichi must’ve had as he spoke. 

He took a deep breath. “I’ve been working on a missing person case for the past couple of days. I-I finally found them, but-”  _ Breathe in, breathe out _ . “B-But they weren’t alive. Their family was- Is mad. Really mad. Th-They screamed at me. Stuff like ‘If you had found them sooner, this wouldn’t have happened’ and ‘Can you even call yourself an Ultimate?’ Kyo- M-My boss was pretty mad. Not at me, but- Just mad about the whole situation. I feel like a f-failure - I failed the victim.”  _ Breathe in, breathe out. _

Kokichi was quiet for a bit before he started talking.  _ “...Sounds like a load of bullshit to me.” _

“W-What?!”

_ “You heard me! That’s bullshit. I don’t think you failed them at all. It’s not like you could’ve just magically stumbled into wherever they were. You’re an Ultimate, not a superhuman. And you found them in the end, didn’t you?” _

“Well, y-yeah, but-”

_ “So you did your job. Who knows if they would’ve been alive even if you found them right away? Besides, you did what you could. No one should be expected to be perfect-” _ A pause, and then-  _ “Except for me of course. I, Kokichi Ouma, have always been and always will be completely and utterly perfect. Sadly I’m not all-knowing just yet, but I’m getting there.” _

“Wh- Yet?  _ Getting there?! _ I- Wait- D-Did you just say your full name?” Shuichi stuttered. That was… a lot to process. 

_ “Hmmm…? Oops! Guess I diiid… Silly me!” _ He giggled. It was so strange. Out of character. So obviously an act, Shuichi couldn’t help but find it almost pathetic. 

_ Wait… Was that on purpose? _

“So you’re Kokichi  _ Ouma _ ,” Shuichi hummed, mostly just to fill the silence. He was too busy trying to wrap his head around everything that just happened.  _ Was it really on purpose? Was that Kokichi’s way of trying to distract him? Was he trying to cheer him up? _

_ “Mhm, yyyyup!” _ He made a  _ pop! _ sound.  _ “Yessir! That’s me!” ...He was giving in  _ **_far_ ** _ too easily for it to have been an accident. _

“...That was on purpose.”

_ “Huuuuh?” _

“That was on purpose,” He said, more confidently that time. “You meant to say your full name.”

_ “What are you talking about? I would neeeveeer do something like that,” _ Kokichi huffed in mock confusion. 

“Then why did you admit it so easily? You could’ve said it was a joke or denied that you even said it at all, but you didn’t,” Shuichi’s tone was serious, but he was smiling as he ‘interrogated’ Kokichi.

_ “Who knows? I do a looooot of stuff without reason,” _ Shuichi  _ felt _ the shrug just by the tone of his voice,  _ “Cuz I get bored so easily, so I like to mix it up!” _

“I don’t think that was it…” He muttered. There  _ had _ to have been a reason for it - and he was pretty sure of what that reason was. 

_ “You don’t believe me?! How rude! I might just  _ **_cry-_ ** _ ” _

“P-Please don’t! I’m s-sorry, I’ll drop it, just  _ please _ don’t start crying-” 

_ “Alriiiight, I won’t!” _ Shuichi sighed in relief at that.  _ “Anywaaays, wanna hear about how my day went? Do you? Do you do you do you?” _ His tone was back to being light and childish, not at all serious like it had been before. It was a very quick and obvious subject change, but he decided to let it go. If Kokichi didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t push it.

“...Sure,” Shuichi smiled. 

Kokichi wasn’t a bad person, he knew that much. His motives weren’t really clear, other than boredom, but he didn’t seem like he wanted to cause any real harm. And he was nice to talk to. Frustrating sometimes, but nice. Shuichi was almost  _ glad _ that he tried to scam him - although he would never admit it. 

After a long, exaggerated story about Kokichi’s ‘secret organization’, Shuichi asked something he had been thinking about for a few days.

“...Do you know what I look like?”

_ “Huh? Are you asking if I think you look good? Are you gonna send me something indecent?” _ It was obvious Kokichi was just trying to rile him up, but Shuichi still felt flustered.

“N-No, not at all- I would never! I just meant, w-well I don’t know what you look like, and I thought if you already know what I look like since you know who I am, it’d be… fair to ask?” He covered his face with his free hand out of embarrassment as he spoke, even though Kokichi couldn’t see his face anyways. 

_ “Nishishi! I was just messing with you, I know you wouldn’t do something like that! ....Unless…” _ Shuichi could imagine the shit-eating grin just by his tone and braced himself for whatever Kokichi was about to say,  _ “...You  _ **_wanted_ ** _ to?” _

_ “Absolutely  _ **_not_ ** _ ,” _ He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in exasperation as Kokichi’s bubbly laugh sounded from the other line. 

_ “Pfft-! Anywaaaays, yeah I do! Duuh! You’re kinda famous, y’know - nowhere near as much as some other Ultimates, but still!” _

“Ah, that’s what I thought. S-So, um…?” It was an awkward question, and an even more awkward way to ask it, but Shuichi was too curious to let his anxiety about it stop him. 

_ “You wanna see what I look like? Of course, of course!”  _ There was silence for a few moments, and then Shuichi’s phone buzzed. He put the call on speaker so he could open the message.

Kokichi had sent a single, slightly blurry selfie. He was smiling, his tongue sticking out of his mouth, and his left hand was holding up a peace sign. He was wearing a light purple hoodie, and his matching violet hair was sticking out in all different directions, some stray hairs even messier than the rest. 

_ “No response? Am I really that cute? Are you staring?”  _ Kokichi teased. Now that he knew what he looked like, Shuichi could  _ really _ imagine how he looked, most likely with a triumphant grin plastered across his face. 

...He was pretty cute.

_ -Wait, what?! _

“Huh? N-No! I j-just didn’t know what to say,” Shuichi stuttered quickly.

_ “Mhmm, yeah suuure,” _ He chuckled.  _ “Sooo, are you gonna admit it orrrr…?” _

“Th-There’s nothing to admit!” He felt his face burn. Once again, it was obvious that Kokichi was only saying it to mess with him, but he couldn’t help the embarrassment that flooded him.

_ “Nishishi! Okay then, keep lying. I, meanwhile, have to go eat a wonderful, extravagant feast for dinner, so I must leave you for now!” _

“Uh, okay! Goodbye.”

_ “Goodbye and goodnight, my beloved! Talk to you again soon!” _ His voice was dramatic and exaggerated, almost sounding like a prince from a cartoon. 

“Goodnight,” Shuichi sighed, and the call ended. He slowly stretched and got up from his bed, suddenly feeling more motivated to eat.

_...He did  _ **_not_ ** _ look at that picture of Kokichi again, and he did  _ **_not_ ** _ send an awkward picture of himself smiling later in return.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE U LIKED IT!!! thank u all sm for all the love and support it means so much to me!! ❤️❤️❤️


	7. wrap the trouble now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The more details that came out about the case, the more guilty Shuichi felt. It had been revealed that the victim died just hours before they had been found - So really, if Shuichi had found them earlier, they would still be alive. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, nor could he get the suffocating guilt off of his chest. He was exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
> 
> He turned over and checked his phone for the time. 1:14 am. Great. 
> 
> He just needed a distraction from it. Just so he could fall asleep. 
> 
> ...A distraction… 
> 
> A distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WANTED TO POST THIS ON SAIOUMA DAY but i procrastinated sooo uh  
> here it is now,,,?!?!?

The next night, Shuichi found himself unable to sleep; He couldn’t get his mind off of that missing person case. He stared up at the ceiling of his room and brought his blankets up to his face, as if to try to hide from his own thoughts.

The more details that came out about the case, the more guilty Shuichi felt. It had been revealed that the victim died just hours before they had been found - So really, if Shuichi had found them earlier, they _would_ still be alive. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, nor could he get the suffocating guilt off of his chest. He was _exhausted_ , both emotionally and physically.

He turned over and checked his phone for the time. _1:14 am._ **_Great_ ** _._

He just needed a distraction from it. Just so he could fall asleep. 

...A distraction… 

_A distraction_. 

Shuichi sat up and grabbed his phone quickly - almost _embarrassingly_ fast, really, but he was far too tired to be self conscious. He opened up his messaging app, tapped the contact he had gotten a bit _too_ attached to over the past few weeks, and began typing. 

  
  


**Shuichi** : Are you awake?

  
  


As soon as he sent it, he felt a rush of embarrassment flood his chest. **_Why_ ** _was he texting Kokichi at 1 in the morning? Why was he so comfortable seeking solace in someone who could easily be considered a stranger? Especially when he found it so difficult to open up to his friends that he had known for_ **_years_ ** _. Kokichi probably didn’t care about how he felt. He just wanted a distraction from boredom - right?_

After a few minutes of ruminating on his own anxiety and embarrassment, Shuichi got a message back.

  
  


**Kokichi** : i am now

**Shuichi** : Oh, sorry! Did I wake you up?

**Kokichi** : yea

**Kokichi** : idc tho

**Kokichi** : whats up????

  
  


_Uh oh._ If his heart was racing from embarrassment before, it was _sprinting_ after that response. _How was he supposed to explain what he wanted?_

  
  


**Shuichi** : I’m having a hard time falling asleep and I was wondering if you wanted to talk.

**Kokichi** : oooooo you like me that much huuuhhh????????

**Shuichi** : What?

**Kokichi** : awww nevermiiindddd

**Kokichi** : sure i can talk

**Kokichi** : BUT only on the phone bcuz my eyes r tired n i dont want to type = ^ =

  
  


Shuichi wouldn’t mind that. It would probably help distract him from his thoughts more if he could hear Kokichi’s voice. 

  
  


**Shuichi** : Okay. 

  
  


Within seconds, his phone started ringing, and Shuichi quickly accepted it to stop the loud noise from piercing his ears. 

_“Heeeeyy,”_ Kokichi yawned. His voice was raspy and quiet. 

“Hi,” Shuichi responded. Despite living alone, his anxiety kept him from speaking at a normal volume. It was just out of habit from when he lived with his uncle. 

_“Soooo, whaddya wanna talk about?”_ He hummed. 

“Ah, it’s up to you,” Shuichi muttered. “I just need to get my mind off something, and y-you’re pretty good at that, so…”

_“Awww, how sweet!”_ Kokichi giggled, his voice joking but not mocking. _“I’m just that perfect, huh?”_

“Uhh…” Shuichi’s sleep deprived brain wasn’t sure how to respond. 

_“You don’t have to respond, I already know,”_ He sighed. _“I’m just so wonderful and flawless that you can’t help but fall so deeply in love with me… That’s just the pain that comes from being perfect, I guess.”_

“I’m sure it must be hard,” Shuichi laughed softly. 

_“It really is,”_ Shuichi could imagine the smile on Kokichi’s face as he spoke. _“...You don’t really talk about yourself - besides yesterday, I guess. Why not?”_

“H-Huh?” The serious question caught him off guard. “I just don’t have that much to talk about- My life isn’t very interesting outside of my work, really…”

_“Ehhh?! That’s such an obvious lie! C’mon, I’ve talked about myself, it’s only fair!”_ Kokichi whined, seemingly forgetting his serious tone from just moments before. 

“How do I know you’re not lying though? Almost everything you’ve told me about yourself has to do with your _‘secret organization’_ that apparently has over 10,000 members - Oh, and who are _all_ your friends.”

_“It’s true! ...Although, I_ **_am_ ** _a liar, so who knows?”_

“Exactly. Why don’t you talk about something that’s _not_ a lie? Then I could talk about myself more- If you want.”

Kokichi was silent for a few moments, as though he was mulling it over in his head. _“...Okay.”_

Once again, it was quiet for a bit. Shuichi didn’t mind, it gave him a chance to think and calm himself down. 

_“Oh!”_ He took a deep breath, before- _“One time I moved into this house and then immediately went to cook something on the stove but the stove caught on fire and I couldn’t put it out so it spread and burned my whole house down!”_ -He didn’t take a _single_ _pause_.

Shuichi was dumbfounded for a moment before he shook his head exasperatedly. “...What?! Was that- Was that something _from The Sims?”_

_“Aww, how’d you knoow?”_ Kokichi giggled. _“It was a good story though, right?”_

“I-” He sighed. “Yeah, it was good. Thank you for telling me.”

_“You’re welcome, peasant!”_

“Are you _ever_ going to tell me something true about yourself?” Shuichi sounded exhausted, but still smiled fondly.

_“Hmmm, who knows?”_ Kokichi hummed. _“You’ll probably have to keep prying for a couple more chapters before I really open up.”_

“Huh?! Chapters?” Shuichi sputtered. “What are you talking about?”

_“Ehhh, don’t worry about it. I was just joking. ...Hmmm, want me to let you in on a little secret?”_

“Uh, sure.”

_“Alright. You probably won’t believe me, buuuut…_ **_I_ ** _went to Hope’s Peak too,”_ Unlike his usual tone when he lied, he sounded genuinely serious. 

“...Really?”

_“Yuppers!”_ Kokichi cheered. 

“Hmm,” Shuichi hummed. As fake as it sounded, _especially_ from Kokichi, it was worth considering.

_“Whaaat? Do you not believe me?”_ He pouted. 

“Huh…? Oh, no, I’m just thinking.”

_“Whatcha thinkin’?”_

“Well, it’s possible. I mean, not everyone from Hope’s Peak is well-known, and there’s definitely some names I might have forgotten. Or even people who were in the school that I just didn’t know. I can’t really confirm anything unless I know more, but…” He sighed. “Considering how long it took you to tell me just that, I doubt you’ll reveal anything else right now.”

_“Aww,”_ Kokichi snorted. _“Ya got me! Man, you’re pretty good at this! A respectable opponent!”_

Shuichi chuckled. “It _is_ my _job_ to do things like this, so I sure hope so.”

_“One day, this battle will have to end. One of us will have to be declared the winner, and the other, well… Will die. You must keep training in preparation for that day, as will I…”_ He declared dramatically. _“Aaaand I might do some of that training right now. And by training I mean sleeping.”_ He yawned, as if to emphasize his exhaustion. 

“Ah, okay. I-I should probably do the same,” Shuichi smiled sheepishly. 

_“Good! Now, goodnight m-”_

“Uh, wait, Kokichi?”

_“Yeah?”_

“...Thank you.”

There were a few beats of peaceful silence before Kokichi responded.

_“Pfff, alright_ **_Mr. Detective_ ** _. Now let me sleep!”_ The call ended abruptly. If anyone else had done it, Shuichi would’ve been hurt - but he knew Kokichi wasn’t really upset. Without even realizing it, he smiled fondly. 

He turned his phone off and closed his eyes, slowly drifting off to peaceful, dreamless sleep - Seemingly forgetting all about his guilt over the missing victim from earlier.

One question invaded all of his thoughts before he finally fell asleep. 

_What talent could Kokichi have had?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope u liked it!!! i say this every single chapter but just. THANK U ALL FOR BEING SO SWEET I NEVER THOUGHT PPL WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE MY CRACK/COPE FIC BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY !!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! ill try to update at least once every week. kudos n comments keep me going so leave some if you want! and if not thats fine too! it means a lot to me than anyone would even want to read my horrendous writing soooo thank you!!! ❤️❤️❤️


End file.
